If your relationship were a house, it might appear ravaged. Nothing but boards and a cracked foundation.

After the affair tornado swept through and tore your love apart, you and your partner may feel dazed and confused.

You’re hurt. Angry. Overwhelmed. You’re standing in the middle of the fall out. No one would blame you if you walked away.

But  the two of you know now that you don’t want to quit.

This is an emergency situation. But it’s not the end.

You can rebuild. You’ll need help. You’ll need to work hard.

But you can survive this.

Here are 10 steps to help rebuild your love from the ground up after the affair: 

  • Call for help. Rebuilding after the affair is tough, and should not be attempted without resources and expert guidance. Working with a qualified couples counselor is invaluable. The encouragement of non-judgmental loved ones who want to see your union recover is also vital.
  • Don’t rush the process. Shoddy workmanship in an effort to get to a comfortable place is unwise when rebuilding a damaged house. The same is true of a battered relationship. The affair is a sign that something is broken. To ignore it, or only deal with it piecemeal, drastically reduces long-term healing.
  • Face the devastation. Deal with the emotional impact. The wronged partner will have to manage hurt, anger, humiliation, and grief. The unfaithful partner will have to deal with shame, guilt, embarrassment, and regret. Working through this initial discomfort when you want to run, will be a testament to your commitment to rebuild something solid and strong.
  • Be honest and transparent. No hiding. Full disclosure. Surrender any tendency toward deception. Tell each other the unmitigated truth. The wronged partner must be provided answers. The unfaithful partner should willingly provide answers and open accountability. Leave no room for insecurity or secrecy.
  • Accept responsibility. Affairs happen when two people have a broken relationship. It’s easy to blame and vilify the cheating partner, but recovery happens when the wronged partner can admit that something unhealthy was happening before the infidelity occurred.
  • Examine structural weaknesses. Take a good look at the cracks in your relationship. What were the relationship issues before there were issues of fidelity? Put the affair in context and it may not seem so insurmountable.
  • Correct your communication. Improve the way you interact as a whole. Work with your therapist to improve the way you talk to each other. Determine what is effective and what needs work. Learn how to share, deal with conflict, and root out resentment.
  • Forgive and let go. Eventually, life after the affair goes on. Refuse to allow infidelity to define you or your relationship indefinitely. Learn the hard lessons, then turn toward a new future together.
  • Reconstruct your connection. Discover each other again. Engage and reward vulnerability. Be present and mindful. Be honest and develop your friendship. Let trust build slowly and openly appreciate each other’s efforts.
  • Live and love well. Protect your hard-won relationship. Address anything or anyone that would drive a wedge between you immediately. Share your struggles. Surround your marriage or partnership with love and support.

Infidelity shook your love right off its foundation.

Rebuilding your relationship takes commitment, sincere effort, forgiveness, and solidarity.

There is no way around the work.

To reach full restoration, you and your partner will need to call in reinforcements to strengthen supports, tighten screws, and test the quality of your teamwork.

But the effort is well worth it.

If you’ve embraced true healing, you may find that the affair becomes another brick in the cornerstone of your relationship.

…And that your rebuilt love stands strong.

For more on Couples Counseling click here.