“Speaking about money in marriage is the last taboo. Couples would prefer to talk about sex or infidelities rather than how they handle family finances or how much money they earn.”  – Joan D. Atwood, “ Couples and Money: The Last Taboo

Kelly and Craig don’t talk about money anymore.

When they try to, they usually end up not really speaking anyway.

What’s the problem?

Why does Kelly feel weird wanting to have separate accounts?

Why is Craig bothered that Kelly hasn’t made it a priority to contribute funds to their retirement or vacation savings?

What is it about money that gets in the way of their otherwise pretty-solid communication?

Couples and Money: A Taboo Topic

Money is a curious thing in relationships.

It often means much, much more than we think it does.

Talking about saving or spending money can lead to feelings of vulnerability, because it is tied to our security, or our hopes and aspirations. Discussing money mistakes may lead to feelings of betrayal or distrust if our security or hard work is disrespected.

Most couples recognize that money disputes are often the most disruptive of all arguments.

Sometimes, these disputes result in persistent resentment and can do real damage to a couple’s connection, especially if they don’t identify money’s role and function in their relationship.

Sadly, allowing money to be a taboo topic can become a source of real contention and mismatched financial goals that causes irreparable harm and misunderstanding.

Finances are a top reason for separation and divorce.

But you don’t have to go that route.

Consider the following three reasons why money may be taboo in your relationship:

1. Money represents a great deal of trust in relationships.

Trust and money must remain closely linked if you want to make money conversations and coordination a reality.

Money is extremely personal. Any sense that you can’t count on your partner to be truthful or forthcoming about individual or combined debts, expenses, credit, or combined financial resources will garner resentment that could be a deal-breaker.

2. Money cooperation signals a willingness to be considerate and responsible.

If you have doubts about your partner’s money habits, you may worry about combining funds or allowing him or her to know the full amount of your income and savings.

To remove the taboo, you’ll have to commit to financial responsibility and fidelity too. The way you and your partner address your financial responsibilities should reflect the high level of respect that is hopefully present in your relationship.

Try hard not to do anything that could harm your mutual monetary agreements, fiscal reputations, or banking relationships. If you take care of your finances diligently, you will reap the benefits, the taboo will cease to exist, and you’ll be able to plan and prioritize together.

3. Money seems especially taboo if you don’t share financial perspectives, or communication isn’t optimal in general.

Every productive monetary relationship needs solid communication. There is little room for unclear communication as it pertains to the sustainability of your lifestyles and future plans. Ignoring financial topics can quickly and consistently lead to trouble.

You and your partner may be indulging the money taboo due to mismatched, internal ideas about resources. What did money mean to your families? Start dismantling the money silence with a discussion about what respectful, productive use of money looks like to you. See if there is common ground. Find out whether you are able to communicate and coordinate your money or need a counselor to help you sift through other relationship factors, emotions or problems first.

Build a connection where no topic is taboo. Work toward trust and transparency with your money and watch your relationship investment grow.