What does a baby experience before birth? Can children remember anything about life in the womb? And if pregnancy or birth includes stress, conflict, uncertainty, or trauma, can parents repair those experiences afterward?
These are fascinating—and sometimes emotionally complicated—questions for expectant and new parents.
In Part Two of my conversation with psychiatrist, author, and prenatal psychology pioneer, Dr. Thomas Verny, we explored prenatal memory, babies’ awareness before birth, the effects of stress during pregnancy, and one of the most hopeful themes in parenting: the possibility of repair.
Dr. Verny is the author of eight books, including the international bestseller The Secret Life of the Unborn Child and The Embodied Mind: Understanding the Mysteries of Cellular Memory, Consciousness, and Our Bodies. He has also authored 47 scientific papers and founded the Association for Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health (APPPAH).
Our conversation offers parents something valuable beyond the intriguing question of what babies may remember: an invitation to think about pregnancy and early parenthood as the beginning of a relationship.
And like every meaningful relationship, that relationship does not require perfection. It can include stress, mistakes, difficult circumstances, honesty, reconnection, and repair.
Can Babies Remember Being in the Womb?
One of the most fascinating questions in prenatal and perinatal psychology is whether children can retain memories—or some form of implicit experience—from pregnancy and birth.
I shared with Dr. Verny an experience I had with my own daughter.
During my first pregnancy, I experienced significant nausea during the first trimester. Mint helped, and I ate quite a bit of it, including mint chocolate chip ice cream. Once the nausea disappeared, so did my unusual interest in mint.
Much later, when my daughter was about a year and three-quarters old, we were outside in our garden, where mint was growing.
She tasted the mint and spontaneously told me that I used to eat a lot of mint chocolate chip ice cream when she was in my tummy.
I was stunned.
We had never told her this. She had never eaten mint chocolate chip ice cream herself. Yet somehow, encountering mint seemed to trigger something for her.
Whether we describe an experience like this as memory, sensory association, or something else, it raises interesting questions about how experiences before birth may be encoded and later expressed.
Dr. Verny explained that he has heard many accounts of young children spontaneously describing pregnancy or birth experiences. I have heard this as well from little ones in my therapy practice. In Dr. Verny’s view, the period between approximately two-and-a-half and three-and-a-half years old can be an especially poignant time to listen for these kinds of recollections, although children vary considerably in their verbal abilities and development.
Prenatal Memory and Early Childhood: What Might Parents Notice?
Parents sometimes report that very young children spontaneously say unusual things about pregnancy, birth, or “before I was born.”
Importantly, these moments are different from repeatedly questioning a child or suggesting what they should remember. Instead, they may emerge naturally during quiet or relaxed moments.
Dr. Verny shared the story of a psychologist whose very young child described aspects of birth and the prenatal environment after being casually asked what she remembered.
He also suggested that relaxed times—such as bath time—may offer opportunities for parents to listen to what young children spontaneously share.
For parents, the goal does not need to be proving whether a child possesses a literal autobiographical memory of life before birth. The more useful takeaway may simply be curiosity.
Be curious. Listen and notice.
Allow your child to describe an experience in their own language without rushing to interpret it for them.
Young children often communicate through images, sensations, stories, metaphors, emotions, and fragments. Parents can make space for those expressions without needing to decide immediately what they mean.
Does Stress During Pregnancy Affect the Baby?
Learning about prenatal development can sometimes have an unintended effect on expectant parents: instead of feeling empowered, they become anxious.
If babies are responsive to their prenatal environments, a parent may begin wondering:
Did that argument hurt my baby?
Was I too stressed at work?
What if I cried too much?
What if something frightening happened?
What if the birth becomes stressful?
This is exactly the kind of fear I wanted to address with Dr. Verny. His message was not that parents must somehow eliminate every stressful experience during pregnancy. Ordinary life includes stress.
Couples disagree. Work becomes demanding. Families experience difficult days. Plans change. People become overwhelmed. Unexpected things happen.
As Dr. Verny emphasized, parents should not assume that every small stressor creates a permanent negative imprint on a developing baby.
Instead, he drew attention to the difference between temporary everyday stresses and more chronic, continuous, or acutely overwhelming stress.
That distinction matters because no pregnant person should walk through nine months believing that every difficult emotion is harming their child.
Pregnancy Does Not Require Emotional Perfection
One of the most important messages for expectant parents is this:
You do not have to experience a perfectly calm pregnancy to be a loving parent.
Pregnancy happens within real life.
You may experience anxiety, argue with your partner, worry about money, receive difficult news, experience grief, or feel ambivalent about becoming a parent.
You may have days when you feel deeply connected to your pregnancy and other days when you feel disconnected, exhausted, frightened, or uncertain.
These experiences do not erase your capacity to create a loving relationship with your child.
Rather than expecting emotional perfection, parents can focus on connection, support, and repair.
Talking to Your Baby During Pregnancy
One of Dr. Verny’s suggestions is beautifully simple: talk to your baby.
Imagine that you and your partner have an argument. Instead of assuming the baby needs to be protected from the reality that conflict occurred, you might reconnect afterward.
You can speak gently to your baby.
You might explain that you and your partner were upset with each other, but the disagreement was not about the baby.
You can reassure your baby that they are loved and wanted.
The exact words are less important than the intention behind them.
Talking this way may also benefit the parent. It creates a moment to slow down, regulate, reconnect with the pregnancy, and remember that the baby is part of the family’s emotional world.
It transforms an upsetting moment into an opportunity for connection.
Bonding Prenatally Can Happen in Ordinary Moments
Prenatal bonding does not need to involve elaborate rituals. It can happen in small moments throughout the day.
You might place your hands on your belly before going to sleep and say goodnight, tell your baby about something that happened during the day, or play music.
Your partner might speak, read, or sing to the baby.
You might acknowledge a difficult day by saying, “Today was hard, but we’re okay.”
You can also simply sit quietly and notice your baby moving.
These practices are not about creating the “perfect” prenatal environment. They are ways of beginning a relationship.
What If Pregnancy Was Difficult or Unexpected?
Some pregnancies begin with joy and excitement.
Others don’t.
A pregnancy may be unexpected. A parent may initially feel unsure whether they want to continue it. Financial circumstances may be difficult. A relationship may be unstable. A parent may desperately want a boy or a girl and then discover they are expecting the opposite sex.
Parents can carry tremendous guilt about these thoughts and feelings. But difficult feelings are part of being human.
Dr. Verny emphasized honesty rather than pretending those experiences never happened.
That does not mean burdening a child with adult emotional material they cannot developmentally understand. It means acknowledging reality in an appropriate way and allowing room for the relationship to evolve.
A parent might be able to say, in essence:
I was frightened. I wasn’t sure I was ready. Our circumstances were difficult. And then I came to know you and love you.
The beginning of a relationship does not have to determine its ending.
Can Parents Repair Difficult Pregnancy or Birth Experiences?
Perhaps the most hopeful part of our conversation was our discussion of repair.
Dr. Verny shared a striking story about a mother and her 12-year-old daughter.
The mother loved her daughter deeply, but she sensed that something had always felt slightly unresolved between them.
When her daughter was born, the baby had appeared angry to her. At the time, the adults around her dismissed the observation.
Years later, after speaking with Dr. Verny, the mother asked her daughter about it.
Her daughter told her she had been angry because her mother wanted a boy.
The mother realized this was true.
Throughout pregnancy, she had strongly hoped for a son. Once her daughter was born, however, she fell in love with her and cherished her.
Rather than denying the past, the mother acknowledged it. She apologized. They cried together.
According to the mother, something profound shifted in their relationship afterward.
Whatever interpretation we place on this particular story, its broader lesson is deeply relevant to parenting:
Honesty and repair matter.
It Is Not Too Late to Repair a Parent-Child Relationship
Parents sometimes believe there is a narrow window in which everything must go correctly.
Pregnancy must be peaceful. Birth must unfold according to a certain plan. Bonding must happen immediately. Postpartum life must feel joyful. Attachment must develop effortlessly.
Real families rarely unfold that neatly.
Birth can be traumatic. Postpartum depression or anxiety can complicate bonding. Feeding struggles can dominate the early weeks. A baby may spend time in the NICU. A parent may feel numb after birth rather than euphoric.
None of these experiences mean that a meaningful relationship cannot continue to grow.
When I asked Dr. Verny when parents should attempt to repair something difficult from pregnancy, birth, or early childhood, his answer was encouraging: there isn’t necessarily one specific deadline.
Children differ. Relationships differ. Parents know their children.
Repair can happen when there is an appropriate opportunity for honesty, acknowledgment, and reconnection.
Honesty Is an Important Part of Parenting
Our discussion ultimately became less about prenatal memory and more about relationships.
Dr. Verny emphasized honesty as an important element not only between parent and child, but across human relationships.
For parents, honesty does not mean telling children every adult detail. Developmentally appropriate boundaries still matter.
Instead, honesty can mean being willing to acknowledge a child’s experience rather than automatically dismissing it.
It can mean saying:
“Yes, that happened. I was struggling then. I wish I had handled that differently.”
“You didn’t cause it. I love you. I’m listening.”
“I’m sorry. We can talk about it.”
Those are powerful messages at almost any age.
What This Means for Expectant and New Parents
The field of prenatal and perinatal psychology asks us to consider the possibility that babies may be more perceptive and responsive than previous generations assumed.
But this idea should not become another source of pressure for parents.
If anything, it can be an invitation to enhance relationship.
Talk to your baby.
Connect when you can.
Seek support when stress becomes overwhelming or prolonged.
After conflict, reconnect.
If pregnancy or birth does not unfold the way you hoped, remember that relationships continue to develop after difficult experiences.
And as your child grows, remain curious about their inner world.
Parenthood is not a single moment in which everything either goes right or wrong. It is an ongoing relationship filled with thousands of opportunities for connection.
You do not need a perfect pregnancy, a perfect birth, or a perfect postpartum period to build a meaningful relationship with your child.
What matters is what families have always needed: love, safety, support, honesty, responsiveness, and the willingness to reconnect when something has been difficult.
Frequently Asked Questions About Prenatal Memory and Bonding Prenatally
Can babies remember being in the womb?
Parents and clinicians have extensively reported young children making spontaneous statements that appear to relate to pregnancy or birth experiences. There is a great deal of research about this. Dr. Verny has collected and discussed many accounts of these experiences throughout his work. Whether these accounts represent autobiographical memory in the way adults typically understand memory is a more complex scientific question. Parents can approach children’s spontaneous statements with curiosity without leading them toward a particular explanation.
At what age might children talk about prenatal or birth memories?
Dr. Verny suggests that between approximately ages two-and-a-half to three-and-a-half can be an interesting period for these conversations, although development varies significantly among children. Some highly verbal children may express unusual recollections earlier.
Should I ask my toddler whether they remember being born?
If you’re curious, you can create space for your child to talk without suggesting the answer you expect. Relaxed moments may make conversation easier. The goal is to listen rather than interrogate or persuade a child that they should remember something.
Can stress during pregnancy affect a baby?
Dr. Verny distinguishes ordinary, temporary stress from chronic, continuous, or severely acute stress. Expectant parents should not interpret prenatal psychology to mean that every stressful day, argument, worry, or difficult emotion will permanently harm their baby.
If stress is persistent, severe, or interfering with daily functioning, seeking support from a qualified healthcare or mental health professional can benefit both the pregnant person and the family.
What if my partner and I argue during pregnancy?
Conflict happens in relationships. Dr. Verny suggests reconnecting afterward and also talking to the baby, explaining that the disagreement was between the adults and reassuring the baby of their love and anticipation of their arrival. This practice can also give parents an opportunity to regulate themselves and intentionally restore connection after conflict.
What are simple ways to bond with a baby during pregnancy?
Bonding prenatally can be very simple. Parents may talk or sing to their baby, gently touch the belly, notice movements, read aloud, play music, or take a quiet moment each day to acknowledge the baby’s presence. There is no single “correct” prenatal bonding ritual. Consistent moments of attention and connection can be enough.
What if I wasn’t happy when I discovered I was pregnant?
Mixed feelings about pregnancy can occur, particularly when a pregnancy is unexpected or happens during difficult financial, relationship, health, or life circumstances. Feeling uncertain at one point does not define your entire relationship with your child.
Parents can acknowledge that the beginning was complicated while also recognizing how their feelings and relationship developed over time.
Can a difficult birth affect the parent-child relationship?
A difficult or traumatic birth can affect parents emotionally and can influence the early postpartum experience. But a challenging beginning does not mean the parent-child relationship is permanently damaged. Support, responsive caregiving, emotional processing, and opportunities for connection can continue long after birth.
Parents who remain distressed by a traumatic pregnancy, birth, or postpartum experience may benefit from working with a healthcare or mental health professional trained in perinatal mental health or birth trauma.
Is it ever too late to repair something with your child?
One of the central themes of Dr. Verny’s story about the mother and her 12-year-old daughter is that meaningful conversations and repair can happen long after the original experience.
Parents cannot change what happened in the past, but they can listen, acknowledge a child’s experience, take responsibility when appropriate, apologize, and approach the relationship differently going forward.
What is the most important takeaway for expectant parents?
Pregnancy does not have to be perfect. Learning that babies may respond to their prenatal environment should inspire connection rather than fear. Ordinary stress and difficult emotions are part of human life. Parents can focus instead on reducing prolonged stress when possible, finding support, connecting with their baby, and remembering that repair remains possible when life does not unfold according to plan.
Connection, Not Perfection
Perhaps the most meaningful takeaway from my conversation with Dr. Verny is that parenting is fundamentally relational. From pregnancy onward, we are building a relationship with another human being.
Relationships include joy and stress. They include misunderstandings and reconnection. They include circumstances we choose and circumstances we never expected.
What matters is not creating an immaculate emotional environment around our children but continuing to return to the relationship.
We can listen, acknowledge, apologize, and reconnect.
And when pregnancy, birth, or postpartum life has been difficult, families can seek support and create new experiences together.
That is an extraordinarily hopeful message for expectant and new parents—and one worth carrying with us long after pregnancy ends.
To hear more conversations about pregnancy, birth, postpartum life, relationships, and the transition from couplehood to family life, listen to the Prepared for Parenthood Podcast and explore Preparing for Parenthood: 55 Essential Conversations for Couples Becoming Families by Stephanie Dueger, PhD.
Some AI tools were used for repurposing the original content from its initial format as an interview on my podcast, The Prepared for Parenthood Podcast. All content has been reformatted as needed, edited, and verified for accuracy by this author.
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